Unforgettable Childless Orlando Trip

If you find yourself stranded in this humid, swampy tourist trap, don’t panic—it’s actually a goldmine when you don't have to drag screaming toddlers along. Honestly, there is far too much to do and far too little time to drink in this swamp-chic paradise. Here is how we, as blissful, childless adults, maximize the chaos.

Universal > Disney

If your idea of a perfect vacation involves screaming on coasters rather than screaming toddlers, Universal Islands of Adventure is your sanctum sanctorum. It’s an absolute thrill-seeker’s paradise where the 36-inch height restriction serves as a glorious toddler barrier, ensuring you spend less time navigating strollers and more time escaping velociraptors.

While the "other" park has its charms, Islands of Adventure is where you go to get your adrenaline fix and maintain your sanity. With fewer pint-sized guests able to handle the high-octane rides, it’s basically a VIP pass to enjoying epic thrills—like Hagrid’s or the VelociCoaster—without the soundtrack of a tantrum.

Better than Sex Restaurant

If you’re looking to get "wrecked" by dessert, Better Than Sex—a dessert-only restaurant in Plano—is the ultimate sultry, speakeasy-style venue for a seductive date night. With dim lights and intimate, cozy seating, they tempt you with decadent sweets like Between My Red Velvet Sheets and chocolate-rimmed wines that make "dinner" absolutely optional.

Because this cozy, adults-only atmosphere is quite popular and seating is limited, tables fill up faster than a delicious dessert disappears. It is highly recommended to secure a reservation well in advance to avoid being left out in the cold. Skip the usual dinner routine; this sophisticated and cheeky spot is designed for those who want to indulge in a little late-night flair and high-end sweets.

The Eye Restaurant in Icon Park

If you're looking to actually impress someone in Orlando, The Eye Restaurant at ICON Park is serving up serious "main character" energy, pairing high-end Mediterranean bites with live entertainment that makes your average dinner look boring. It’s a full-blown vibe, so bring your finest fits—they have a strict dress code, and you know we don't do casual-lazy, darling.

Definitely snag a reservation ahead of time, or you’ll be watching the magic happen from the parking lot—and nobody wants that. It's the perfect spot to be seen, get obsessed with the roasted fingerling potatoes, and honestly just flex your impeccable taste for a night of immersive, high-energy entertainment.

Downtown Orlando

If the plan is to hit Downtown Orlando, prepare for a nightlife scene that’s basically a four-block marathon of adult-oriented fun. To avoid paying full price like a tourist, checking for specials beforehand is a must. Many bars keep the ladies happy with complimentary drinks early in the night, and Cosmo Lounge is known for offering a window of free drinks for the whole crowd before the clock strikes midnight.

Think of downtown as a more organized version of a street party where one can start at a dive bar and end up on a rooftop with a view. Just remember to check if an RSVP is needed to snag those deals, because showing up unprepared is never a good look. Enjoy the cocktails and the chaos, but keep it classy.

Hash House a Go Go

If you haven't been to Hash House A Go Go, are you even living? It’s a "twisted farm food" experience where the friendly staff feeds you better than your grandma, featuring farm-fresh ingredients in absolutely absurd portions. Come hungry, because this isn't just brunch; it's a "level 11" situation.

Forget playing it safe and get the Andy Sage Benedict—a massive, scandalous tower of crispy chicken, smoky bacon, and griddled mozzarella that proves more is, in fact, more. It’s savory, it’s scandalous, and it’s served with mashed potatoes that will make you rethink everything.

Café Tu Tu Tango

If your weekend brunch doesn't involve belly dancers, questionable art choices, and endless booze, are you even doing it right? I’m obsessed with Café Tu Tu Tango, a chaotic-good spot on I-Drive where the tapas are meant to be shared, but the $25 bottomless drinks are definitely meant for me.

Between painting artists, surprise performances, and the stunning belly dancer we caught, it’s a high-energy vibe that keeps you guessing. It's loud, artistic, and entirely too much fun—just make sure you pace yourself with the brunch menu, or you might end up buying that painting in the corner, darling.

Museum of llusions

Forget boring, stuffy museums; the Museum of Illusions is a chaotic playground designed to break your brain and ruin your trust in reality—in the best way possible. It’s the ultimate spot to embrace your inner child, take photos that will make your Instagram followers scream "Photoshop!", and laugh at how easily your senses are tricked.

Get ready to question everything while exploring mind-bending exhibits like gravity-defying rooms, endless mirror mazes, and spots that turn your friends into giant-sized troublemakers. With plenty of interactive photo ops to show off, it’s a brilliant, trippy, and slightly disorienting escape from reality that you’ll want to experience with friends and family.

Toothsome Chocolate Emporium

Forget adulting and unleash your inner child at The Toothsome Chocolate Emporium in CityWalk, a steampunk fever dream where sugar constitutes a food group. Dive into ridiculously oversized milkshakes that are more art installation than drink, or dive into savory bites before entering a cocoa-fueled coma.

If you’re lucky—or just loudly loving the aesthetic—you might even get a condescendingly charming nod from Penelope and her robot sidekick, Jacques, while you dine. It’s noisy, it’s theatrical, and it’s arguably too much chocolate, but that’s exactly why you need to go